reality sets in

[quietann]

(Disclaimer: this is at least partially fueled by PMS and missing two days of meds...)

So. I am back, and reality is setting in. Once upon a time, when people were doing the 100 Days pledges, I pledged to clean the house for an hour each day. This only lasted a few days, but while I was doing it, it was good.

I need to do it again, but I don't know where to start. Ben used to throw great parties, before I moved in along with cats and rats and an ever-expanding fabric collection. I won't let almost anyone come over, because the house is such a mess. It was semi-cleaned for the wedding, 18 months ago, but not much has been done since then. We want to have parties again (if anyone would show up, given that we aren't in Camberville...) With 4000 square feet of living space, plus the deck and barn, we certainly have room.

Part of it I guess is that Ben just doesn't care. Or he's too busy with the computer, and there is always Arisia stuff that needs to be done. He *says* he will help, but if I don't "supervise" he is back at the computer sooner rather than later. He doesn't understand how out of control our living environment makes me feel. Or if he does, he sees it as "my" problem, and not something he needs to do anything about.

I am starting to have fantasies about moving back to my old place in Waltham again, which is always a bad sign. (Seeing an acquaintance's lovely attic apartment this evening didn't help... my old place was in an attic, and had *character*, unlike this old farmhouse, which is cramped and boxy and plain.)

argh.

Comments

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

The suggestions I've been given is to start with one room, clean that. Get it arranged the way you want it so that everything has a place. Yes, this will mean that new piles show up in other rooms until you deal with that room. However, the key is that as you clean the other rooms you can't let the ones you've done fall back into disarray and not to be afraid to throw away stuff.

I've been trying this on my BF's place but he keeps letting it fall back into disarray in between the times I'm able to come over and help him clean.

Maybe you need to express how much you are feeling overwhelmed to Ben and explain it not that he needs to help clean but that you'd really like his help to feel less overwhelmed. I'd also suggest waiting to start this until after Arisia. I can recommend a good cleaning company to help with the actual cleaning once your organizing is done.

[dancingdeer.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with the one room at a time theory; that's the way I clean, too (even in small bits, like one room - one area at a time). If you can start with rooms that don't get often used so you can shut them up when you're done, you'll always have *something* clean to look at as a reminder/reward.
Maintenance is harder to drill in, but it's easier to do, once things are actually clean.

I also agree with other suggestions about how to get help. Don't ask for help; grab him and just *do* stuff. Hand him piles to sort, to put away, to deal with, and keep the energy going. Some people just need the direction.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

after Arisia...

actually, right now he is sweeping downstairs (which is a good thing, as I am not as thorough at it as he is, since I don't go barefoot). Some of this is making up for a fight over... unmentionable things ... but it's cleaning, and I won't turn it down :)

People keep telling us to get cleaners, which is a good idea, but the house needs to be cleaned before we can even think of having cleaners in here.

[hawkegirl.livejournal.com]

I think a 50 day goal is a better starting place. I tried 100 days recently with the kids insturment practice. We got to 47, and had a slip, and I was more bummed then I should of been (ofcourse getting that 47 was hard) but I think in genral 50 days is a lot more realistic chunk.

Also, I am crazy nesting woman right now. I would be happy to come hang out and help you clean or keep you company while you clean if you'd perfer that. But there are few things that make me happier right now then hanging out with friends and organizing/washing/vacuuming. So really if you're the type that cleans better with company, I am seriously offering my help.

[donnad.livejournal.com]

I have a similar problem with G. My threshhold for clutter is far lower than his. I have learned that asking him to help, doesn't work. But asking him to do specifc tasks does. He doesn't see the clutter/mess in the same way I do so his helping in his mind, isn't in mine. So often I will pick up stuff and put it in a pile then ask him to put the stuff in that pile away, or after I finish picking up a room, I'll ask him to please vacuum the carpet in that room.
I sometimes make a specific list of things that have to get done. and as I get (or he gets) them done they get checked off. It makes the tasks look less daunting if you can see the progress you are making.

Be specific, if he is willing to help and you give him a specific tasks to do, and I mean specific, it'll get done.

[hawkegirl.livejournal.com]

Ya know, I have to wonder about the male/female thing here. I am the same way, I mean Sandro would live in a STYE totally happily (until he couldn't find something he needed). This seems to me to be a vary "guy" thing, though I am typically loath to label things as such. I wonder (if it's true) why it bothers women so much more then men.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

I must be a guy, then. ;)

A.
with big hugs for quietann, and for her roomate tigerbright, who has not yet killed her for being messy. :D

[quietann.livejournal.com]

heh. I am familiar with the problem. ben makes piles and piles of stuff and then gets very cranky when he needs to find some important bit of paperwork *right now* and has no idea which pile it is in. I cope by treating the piles as "his" and having no idea what is in any of them :) Of course, he could throw out about 75% of what he piles, but...

(I mean, do we *really* need to keep all the announcements and mailings for every SF con we have ever been to????)

[gingicat]

*nod* Also, you do have to be specific. teddywolf and browngirl are pretty good at remembering things like "Clutter ticks off Tigerbright, therefore I must put things away when I'm done with them, or I won't be able to find it because she will have put it away." :) And I do try and do a bit each day myself. jadasc, our housemate, will do things if asked but does have to be told. I'm waiting to see how our rewards program goes.

Had a small fit on the 24th because we came home from seeing a movie and there was No Place to Sit in the living room because Wolf had strewn books *everywhere*. This I flatly refused to clean up. But if I'm well-rested and not stressed, I just pick things up and wipe things down as I come across them -- at this point, it's just habit.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

This does work, when I do it. I have to be very very specific, e.g. "bring the groceries in from the car" must be followed with "and put them away" for anything other than the perishables to be put away.

Sometimes, I have a hard time being specific, especially if the mess is overwhelming me.

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

How can an old farmhouse with 4000 feet of living space be cramped and lacking in character?

I like the idea of picking one thing, cleaning it, and keeping that one thing clean. In my house, it's the shiny sinks. With the sinks clean, the counters had to follow, and out from there. I backslid some during the last few weeks when I was out of the house all the time, but not so far that a day or so hasn't put it mostly to rights. I just look at it as a gradual chipping away of clutter - part creating new places to put things, part purging. Adam's been helping as he sees things get more organized and sees me up and working.

I agree with the others, though, that waiting until after Arisia to get any serious involvement from Ben would be a good idea.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

It is, trust me. It's short on closet space, and the rooms in the old part of the house are tiny. There are no interesting nooks and crannies, or built-in cabinets, pass-throughs, etc.

The place we visited last night had closets tucked under every eave in the attic, including one where our host actually slept for a while, when his eyes were very light-sensitive. It was about 12 feet long and tall enough to stand in (barely) and had bookshelves lining one wall. The two lower floors have a *turret*, too.

[anotherjen.livejournal.com]

*This is a friendly reminder of your friend the professional organizer.*

:-)

[iamlisabee.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen your house, and I don't know you or Ben very well, so I can't comment on specifics, but here are some things that have helped me a lot.

www.flylady.com - helpful site. You don't need to follow everything to the letter, but pick and choose what can work for you. (I think that putting my shoes on first thing in the morning is utter torture, but I really like the idea of spending 15 minutes working on an area at a time - it's short, and not overwhelming, and you can get a lot of things done in that period of time.)

plastic containers from target. Oh my god. I don't know what I did before this. We've only got 1300 square feet, and very little closet space, so these have been a god send. I've got quilting stuff stashed under the bed, present wrapping stuff in the computer room closet, the kids' toys in boxes on their shelves. It REALLY helps me to keep everything together with other like things.

Find a place for everything, and put everything in it's place. Don't try to do this all at once. Find one or two things a day, and figure out where they go, and then put them there! For me, this has been really helpful with little things, like fingernail clippers. There's now a specific place in our hall closet for fingernail clippers and other similar grooming supplies. The big issue here is always making sure everything goes back once you're done with it. But, make it a habit, and it will become easier. (I suspect this is where Ben's help can be REALLY useful.)

Sort mail over the garbage/recycling bin. When you bring it in from the box, IMMEDIATELY deal with it. Toss what you're not going to use/need, put your bills in one area, and deal with everything else. Boom! that's a whole lot less clutter to deal with!

Spend 10-15 minutes each evening doing clutter patrol - clear up the living room and diningroom, or whatever you can manage in that period of time. A little time does make a big difference.

Don't be afraid of throwing things out! Every few weeks (or less), I'll walk through the house with a big garbage bag, and will throw out as much stuff as I can find. (flylady also promotes this idea - saying you should throw out 27 items each day or so!) That's a sure way to reduce the amount of crap in your house!

I hope these ideas help. I really like the suggestion of giving Ben specific jobs to do. He may be bugged by the mess, too, but just doesn't have a clue of how to deal with it. Grab him for 15 minutes each evening and give him a garbage bag and tell him he has to find 25 things to put in the garbage bag! Or give him a pile of papers to file - go buy a filing cabinet or three if you haven't already. You guys can do it!

[rabbitorf.livejournal.com]

for the record, i think your house has a ton of character. unusually-shaped closet in the upstairs bathroom, all sorts of interesting and unexpected stuff you've added to it . . . but of course it's most important what *you* think.

the thing about piles of clutter reminded me of a story i read in a book that might help (helped me a lot, i know) called "ADD-friendly ways to organize your life" by Kolberg and Nadeau. basically, a guy just plain didn't notice that the house was messy and that there were piles everywhere. it was as if they were a big blind spot until he needed something from them or had to get around them, and then he'd go through them or push them aside without thinking. so the professional organizer went through the house and glued or stapled every last free-floating item exactly where he had left it. and he came home, couldn't move the magazines over to put his feet up on the coffee table, and got a lot better at not leaving clutter after that. i don't know if this is a good way to handle the problem, but I was amused by the method.

anyway, this book is well-organized, clear, and has some very good ideas. including letting you know what sort of help a professional could give you and what sort of help you might do with various types of friends as well as how to get someone you live with to maintain organization.

good luck!