new more generalized approach to an old problem

[quietann]

This came up in a previous entry, which I have since made private, because I feared that the conversation would get out of hand.

(Context: I was not invited to a good friend's baby shower, and felt peevish about it. If you want to discuss this specific instance with me, send me email.)

So this was lyonesse:
"to be brutally honest, i think the thing that's "terribly wrong" is that you are so quick and so glad to take offense at stuff like this. it makes it harder to be friends with you, b/c who knows when they will appear to "fail" or "exclude" you in some random way? i've gotten on the wrong end of this with you several times, & it's no fun."

and this was me, in response:
"you've gotten it from me, we've talked, apologies were made etc. I don't hold grudges against you or anyone else for years over stuff like this, or even months.

"The odd thing is that my *good* friends are good enough friends that they know I am OK with not being invited to every little thing. I think I have reached this point with you. It is more a problem with people who know me more casually."

OK. Now, I know that explanations are just that -- explanations -- and I don't mean to come across as obstreperous, but...

I thought a lot about this, and I think my problem is more specifically with *women*. My own experience is that women do things behind each others' backs a lot more, whereas men (in general) are more direct. And I am not innocent of this behavior myself. I take strongly after my mother in this regard; I think she was in her 60s before she had a group of female friends she could really trust. So maybe I do expect women to treat me badly (and did I mention that the professor who spiked me with regard to the MGH job is female? and the "mad Argentinian" professor who threw me out of her class and called me stupid is also female?)

On a more general level, I am a fundamentally pessimistic person. Too much analyzing and thinking seems to make it worse. In current couples therapy, the puzzle to both the therapist and deguspice is "What will make Ann happy?" And... I really can't say. Meds make me care less, but still life feels a lot like I am just "coping" with a lot of unfortunate things that I just cannot change at this time (e.g. choosing Harvard over BU, even though Harvard's program was set up mostly for Ph.D.'s whereas BU's was set up for persons interested in applied statistical work...) There are small pleasures, though. And these do mean a lot to me.

Comments

[quietann.livejournal.com]

That's a good list... I will say that I really, really like female humor. A lot of comedy done by males seems stupid to me, if not offensive. If you watch me read the comics page, well, I start with "For Better or For Worse" and in general read all the stuff with female authors while picking only a few of the male authors (or is that artists?) ... Also most of the books I really love are authored by women.

As for female mentors... I have had a few. In fact, throughout graduate school most of the professors I worked closely with were female. This was a mixed blessing.

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

As for female mentors... I have had a few. In fact, throughout graduate school most of the professors I worked closely with were female. This was a mixed blessing.

Well, too, there's the people you *have* to mentor under, the people you *desire* to mentor under, and then there's the people you *should* mentor under, especially in college. But also in life, in terms of women as a collective.

While there's people I have had to work for or study from and what not, I tried to take from them the good points, and leave behind the bad. Just because their title or mine says I *should* be learning from them, doesn't mean I will or can or that they are qualified to teach me or anyone else.

And for me, desire and I are old enemies, and I've learned that what I think/feel will be good for me and what actually *is* good for me are two diffent things, and so while I continue to observe the folks I -want- to learn from, I try to do that observing from afar, so as not to go all obsessive-compulsive about it all.

And then there's the folks I Should learn from. What I do is try to pay attention to the criticisms people have of me. For instance, people tell me I am entirely too crass, blunt, confrontational. Whether I agree with them or not is not relevant; this is how others see me. Then, I decide if I mind being seen that way; to some extent, I mind, because I know that being seen that way keeps other people from getting close to me. (This is very relevant if what you want is a date :) ) Then, I try to find people/women who are the opposite of that. Meaning, I try to find women who other people feel (or who I feel) are gentle, softspoken, and direct-but-only-as-requested-and-then-as-gently-as-possible, and then I watch them and try to learn from their example how it is they manage to be all those things. If I know them well, I ask them about the process of being all those things. And if I trust them, then I ask them to mentor me on how I can become all those things.

It's a process, and not an over-night fix. I think I've been in this whole Rennaisance of Women process for about 2 years now. And I plan to stay here until I trust/respect similar numbers of women to the number of men I trust/respect.

Not that you really requested more of my opinions on the subject, but there they are, nonetheless. Next time we are at OPN or something, we can chat more about all of this if you're interested. -H...