quietann

This came up in a previous entry, which I have since made private, because I feared that the conversation would get out of hand.

(Context: I was not invited to a good friend's baby shower, and felt peevish about it. If you want to discuss this specific instance with me, send me email.)

So this was

lyonesse:
"to be brutally honest, i think the thing that's "terribly wrong" is that you are so quick and so glad to take offense at stuff like this. it makes it harder to be friends with you, b/c who knows when they will appear to "fail" or "exclude" you in some random way? i've gotten on the wrong end of this with you several times, & it's no fun."

and this was me, in response:
"you've gotten it from me, we've talked, apologies were made etc. I don't hold grudges against you or anyone else for years over stuff like this, or even months.

"The odd thing is that my *good* friends are good enough friends that they know I am OK with not being invited to every little thing. I think I have reached this point with you. It is more a problem with people who know me more casually."

OK. Now, I know that explanations are just that -- explanations -- and I don't mean to come across as obstreperous, but...

I thought a lot about this, and I think my problem is more specifically with *women*. My own experience is that women do things behind each others' backs a lot more, whereas men (in general) are more direct. And I am not innocent of this behavior myself. I take strongly after my mother in this regard; I think she was in her 60s before she had a group of female friends she could really trust. So maybe I do expect women to treat me badly (and did I mention that the professor who spiked me with regard to the MGH job is female? and the "mad Argentinian" professor who threw me out of her class and called me stupid is also female?)

On a more general level, I am a fundamentally pessimistic person. Too much analyzing and thinking seems to make it worse. In current couples therapy, the puzzle to both the therapist and

deguspice is "What will make Ann happy?" And... I really can't say. Meds make me care less, but still life feels a lot like I am just "coping" with a lot of unfortunate things that I just cannot change at this time (e.g. choosing Harvard over BU, even though Harvard's program was set up mostly for Ph.D.'s whereas BU's was set up for persons interested in applied statistical work...) There are small pleasures, though. And these do mean a lot to me.