(no subject)

[quietann]

and in the other room... Helen is suggesting to my father that I stay here for dinner and eat macaroni and CHEESE with a HAMBURGER!!!!

argh. We are going out for Greek food, dammit!

Comments

[n5red.livejournal.com]

What a bitch! Your father needs to develop better taste in women.

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

*facepalm*

Sweetie, I am so sorry.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

ouch, what a drag.

enjoy your greek dinner, though :) we sent out for chinese, that being the classical catholic/jewitch solution to xmas eve :)

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

Is Helen so clueless that she just doesn't get it that cheese=milk and hamburger=meat? Or is she intentionally doing this to upset you?

Sometimes, things aren't quite what they seem to be. For many years, I thought my step-mother's actions were intended to drive my father and I apart. They were, but not really for the reasons I thought. Most of twenty years later, her father died and she got really nuts, causing my step-siblings to drag her off to the doctor. It turned out that she'd been taking the same medication for depression and paranoia for decades and it was no longer working. The paranoia was making her push everyone else away. When her meds were changed, she stopped being nasty to me.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's deliberate at all. I mostly just don't feel like getting in a fight with her right now. Several days before my next visit, I'll just drop her and my dad an email about our Kosher requirements. It's very simple:

-- No pork (read labels on things like chicken sausages, which often have pork casings)
-- No shellfish
-- Theoretically no bottom feeder fish (catfish etc.) though we ignore that one mostly.
-- Red meat (lamb, beef) can't be served with any milk products, though we will bend the rules and eat ice cream for dessert.

-- We don't care about separate meat & milk dishes.
-- We don't care if you've cooked any of the above in your pots and pans
-- We don't care if purchased food has a "heksher" (symbol of rabbinical supervision) or not.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

it is entirely possible that statements like "we ignore that one, mostly" and "we will bend the rules" cause her to think that none of the requirements are all that serious and when people are visiting her they can suspend them as a result.

I would suggest a polite but firm letter sent so that she receives it at least 3 weeks in advance of your next visit, which states "You should be aware that I will need to follow Kosher dietary requirements while I am visiting you. This means that I cannot, under any circumstances, eat {list of common forbidden foods, including common "gotchas"}. Also, I cannot eat red meat at the same meal as any milk products. If you have questions about my observance of Kosher dietary requirements, please call me at (number) as soon as possible. I will be glad to provide as much information as you need."

That way -- you've told her in no uncertain terms what you expect, and left the door open for her to ask as many questions as she wants to. If she gets this missive and tries to feed you mac & cheese & hamburgers, you have every right to growl at her and go out to eat.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd leave out all the "bending the rules" bits if I actually outlined the rules for Helen. (I'd say nothing about bottom-feeder fish -- she doesn't like fish much anyway, except for salmon which is fine -- and the ice cream after meat, because that's a rule we break regularly.)

[wren13.livejournal.com]

I second this. My MIL decided at Thanksgiving that she and I must be on the same diet, as we are both diabetic. She neglected to take into account 25 years difference in age, a distinct difference in weight and activity level, my other disabilities, etc. I sent her a copy of my diet 3 weeks before we stayed with her at Christmas - and she was entirely dealable (not reasonable, but she never is) with regard to my diet. It could work.

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

I like the Greek place.

Is it still warm enough in San Diego to eat outside?

[quietann.livejournal.com]

It was a little too cold, and they'd closed the outside area by the time we got there because they weren't seating anyone after 7 p.m., and didn't want folks sitting down out there expecting to be served.

The food was good, though.

[chocorua.livejournal.com]

Hospitality at its simplest is "Welcome and share what we have". Adding caevats, whether arising from allergies, tastes or religion, makes hospitality a lot more complicated. But (reading between the lines at a great distance) it appears she values hospitality over going out together. Do you think she would accept help, either shopping, menu planning or cooking, to make it easier for her to cope with your/Ben's details?

I would think twice about an after-the-fact e-mail. I'd save it for before your next visit, possibly in the context of a dialogue begun: "Can I bring anything? Can I do some shopping on the way from the airport?"

[quietann.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've seen the dietary issues get absolutely insane, WRT Arisia staff den, Baitcon, etc. Changing a menu to accomodate one or two people is easy. Doing so to accomodate many many people is... tough. (Speaking of which, I really do need to stop eating your good bread, because of the lard. Or grant it one of my few exceptions, as I do for suan la show chow at Mary's...)

I don't think she'd accept help, really. She's very independent and reacts badly to criticism.

In a way, it would be easier if we kept strict Kosher, because then we just would not eat at the house at all, except for food we brought ourselves, requiring no cooking.

Please keep in mind that none of this is entirely rational on my part. You didn't see the LJ posts in 2005 when it seemed like she was trying to cut me off from my dad, when my dad was lying to me about Helen monitoring all our communication, etc. I just stopped speaking to him for a couple of months, which given how close we'd been, was really strange. There's an uneasy truce now, and in a way I am just avoiding confrontations with her because she *could* still take him away from me.