a general whine

so. I must be doing something wrong. Yet another "all-female" gathering this past weekend to which I was not invited. I've tried to get the word out that I might like such a thing, but either no one's listening, no one cares, or no one believes me. Well, in this case one must add that the hostess is one of those people who pretends to like me, I think. At a party this weekend she was sitting about 10 feet away from me talking about how people only do potluck weddings because they are cheap or lame or both. I am *sure* she knew I was there. (And BTW deguspice and I had a potluck wedding a. because it was the only way we could invite as many people as we wanted to, b. because we didn't want to pay $25/person or more for mediocre food, c. because it's fun and has worked well for our friends, and d. because neither of us really wanted our very small kitchen invaded by strangers, and most importantly e. because it's what we wanted to do.)

OK, so my track record with female friendships isn't fantastic. I try, but even amongst the female 'boids there seem to be all these unwritten rules that I violate because I can't figure them out (if I'm even aware they exist). But how can I ever get better at having female friends if I don't get any practice? And incidents like the above just stregthen my mom's voice in my head, that women are catty and nasty behind your back so maybe it's not worth the trouble anyway.

maybe part of the social troubles...

Another observation: part of the social troubles I am having may be because I've cut way back (with my pshrink's approval) on my anti-depressant dose. I was having side effects, was sick of having my libido shot to hell, and often felt too detached from the world. I started the cutback in June, after the wedding. I feel a *lot* better now, but I also fear that being less medicated will make me harder for others to deal with. I'll be more likely to lose my temper, or say things that are a bit more extreme than people are comfortable with, and I'll probably be less "sweet" and nice overall. OTOH I am more engaged with the world, doing better at school, and sleeping better. The libido is still an issue, but it seems to be creeping back slowly.

So wonderful. I mean, I know that part of the social theory explanation for why SSRIs are so popular is that they make people more pliable and more able to just accept some of the insane demands of today's world. But... even my so-called open-minded friends don't deal with me very well unless I squish my personality into a little box.