because I am broken....
Apr. 17th, 2004 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quietannI arrived at the clothing swap today and didn't even get inside before there was a bit of "Cambervillian" psychodrama. Before I say anything more, I should say that no one involved, to the best of my knowledge, tried to upset me.
A synopsis of the details: confusion over a dinner run about to be made, and each person involved had a different opinion about whether Ben and I would be welcome or not. The biggest concern was the size of the restaurant (it's small) and one person not wanting a huge group according to someone else... A suggestion -- I think made in good faith -- that Ben and I join the later run, even though it would have people we barely know, as opposed to the "friends since forever" on the early run. Ben and I ended up not going, because![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ceo and gosling, who were the most positive about our coming along, decided to go home instead of going on the dinner run. We went to another friend's party instead, and were well-fed and had a good time.
I'm just broken in a way that pushes me towards certain thought patterns. Back before I was on medication, if it seemed like someone was rejecting me in the slightest, I just assumed they were -- and detaching me from that belief was extremely difficult. Anyone who thinks that I am cautious socially now has no idea about how things used to be. What medication does is allow me to see that there are other possible explanations having nothing to do with me specifically. What it does not do is allow me to trust that those other explanations are *better* and *more likely.* I don't have a clear sense of who *really* likes me, and who just puts up with me, and who likes me but for one or two annoying traits.
The usual suggestions to try to organize my own dinner runs, parties, etc. don't come easy. The times I try, I don't get much response if any (deguspice making the organizational effort usually helps). It's very easy for me to fall into thinking that it's not worth it -- not worth the potential "truth" to be revealed about where I stand socially.
A synopsis of the details: confusion over a dinner run about to be made, and each person involved had a different opinion about whether Ben and I would be welcome or not. The biggest concern was the size of the restaurant (it's small) and one person not wanting a huge group according to someone else... A suggestion -- I think made in good faith -- that Ben and I join the later run, even though it would have people we barely know, as opposed to the "friends since forever" on the early run. Ben and I ended up not going, because
ceo and gosling, who were the most positive about our coming along, decided to go home instead of going on the dinner run. We went to another friend's party instead, and were well-fed and had a good time.I'm just broken in a way that pushes me towards certain thought patterns. Back before I was on medication, if it seemed like someone was rejecting me in the slightest, I just assumed they were -- and detaching me from that belief was extremely difficult. Anyone who thinks that I am cautious socially now has no idea about how things used to be. What medication does is allow me to see that there are other possible explanations having nothing to do with me specifically. What it does not do is allow me to trust that those other explanations are *better* and *more likely.* I don't have a clear sense of who *really* likes me, and who just puts up with me, and who likes me but for one or two annoying traits.
The usual suggestions to try to organize my own dinner runs, parties, etc. don't come easy. The times I try, I don't get much response if any (
deguspice making the organizational effort usually helps). It's very easy for me to fall into thinking that it's not worth it -- not worth the potential "truth" to be revealed about where I stand socially.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-27 09:46 pm (UTC)This would be more disturbing if it wasn't the third blog I read such a sentiment in tonight.
I don't have a clear sense of who *really* likes me, and who just puts up with me, and who likes me but for one or two annoying traits.
I used to say to myself, "That can't be true! People don't put up with people they just don't like!" And then the Amazing Dweeb Graduate Student came into our office, and I found myself making nice to him purely for politeness' sake...
Dunno what the solution is, but I think that if one wants unconditional love, one must ask one's mother...