because I am broken....

[quietann]

I arrived at the clothing swap today and didn't even get inside before there was a bit of "Cambervillian" psychodrama. Before I say anything more, I should say that no one involved, to the best of my knowledge, tried to upset me.

A synopsis of the details: confusion over a dinner run about to be made, and each person involved had a different opinion about whether Ben and I would be welcome or not. The biggest concern was the size of the restaurant (it's small) and one person not wanting a huge group according to someone else... A suggestion -- I think made in good faith -- that Ben and I join the later run, even though it would have people we barely know, as opposed to the "friends since forever" on the early run. Ben and I ended up not going, because ceo and gosling, who were the most positive about our coming along, decided to go home instead of going on the dinner run. We went to another friend's party instead, and were well-fed and had a good time.

I'm just broken in a way that pushes me towards certain thought patterns. Back before I was on medication, if it seemed like someone was rejecting me in the slightest, I just assumed they were -- and detaching me from that belief was extremely difficult. Anyone who thinks that I am cautious socially now has no idea about how things used to be. What medication does is allow me to see that there are other possible explanations having nothing to do with me specifically. What it does not do is allow me to trust that those other explanations are *better* and *more likely.* I don't have a clear sense of who *really* likes me, and who just puts up with me, and who likes me but for one or two annoying traits.

The usual suggestions to try to organize my own dinner runs, parties, etc. don't come easy. The times I try, I don't get much response if any (deguspice making the organizational effort usually helps). It's very easy for me to fall into thinking that it's not worth it -- not worth the potential "truth" to be revealed about where I stand socially.

Comments

[klingonlandlady.livejournal.com]

Sorry about the whole thing- I really would have liked to see you more last night, and I do always enjoy your company.
It was the combination of several things tho:
1)lyonesse had said at about 3:30: "hey, let's plan to go out and get dinner." Other people generally chimed in over the course of the afternoon that they would come too.
2)By the time you arrived, half the people planning to go seemed already out the door, and I was holding them up. Some of them had a time limit.
3)P and I didn't care who/how many people came, but assumed we'd divide into more tables if it was called for- making it more of a general migration than a party dining together. This was ok.
4)Their service is slow on a normal day, and starts to Really Suck if you have too big a party or complicated an order. As it was, it was slow, they dropped orders, and some people were done eating by the time others got their food.

I probably should have just said "yes, come along but we will probably not get to sit together because i have no idea how many tables we will take up", but you were already telling me that others had told you not to come... which I'm not sure is true. So I felt really confused and put in the middle. Ugh.

Anyhow, I do like you and it would be nice to see more of you. Hopefully we will do a craftnite tonight, but i have to check with P when he wakes up before we send the announcement.

I do wish you wouldn't default to assuming "I am being personally slighted" when there is some mix-up or confusion like that...
My way of getting through such times had been to remind myself that: "Most often apparent slights are attributable to lameness, internal/personal problems and confusion on the part of others. Everybody has their own issues going on, they don't spend their time sitting around disapproving of you."

[scliff.livejournal.com]

T.B. claimed tonight back on tax day.