some thoughts on "community"

Recently someone made a backhanded sort of criticism of "my community" in their LJ. It really got my hackles up. At first I was surprised, but then of course the comment was posted right after my wedding, when the best of the community was present in full force. (As in, within 10 minutes moving an entire wedding ceremony from outdoors into a barn, in the pouring rain, with good graciousness and outstanding organization...)

I guess sometimes I'm very sensitive to social criticism of the _entire group_, as if we are all some sort of mutant freaks... or rather, the same sort of mutant freak (e.g. socially inept). Most of us grew up getting ostracized and seem to go out of our way to avoid doing so to others. And this person's comment came across as "I'm better than all of you." -- which begs the question, why associate with us then?

This doesn't mean that "if I were Queen" I wouldn't kick a couple of people out. But only a couple, and not likely exactly the couple any other individual within the group would kick out if they could. It doesn't mean I don't gossip, or that there aren't any people whose actions make me twitch. But the group, as a whole, is fine the way it is.

I will tell you two outsiders' views -- my dad's and his partner's, after meeting many of the group members before and during the wedding. They were impressed with the sheer concentration of smart and interesting people this group has. And my dad's partner was heartened to see that overweight women were welcome, and just as likely to be partnered as skinny women. As she put it, "this is not a place where people are valued based on superficial characteristics."

My feelings on overweight women in the community? That's another issue, for my next post, though

Fat women

OK, first I want to say that this is purely my own pet peeve, and has more to do with my own issues than with any individual's.

I guess one of the things I like about this group is that women aren't expected to be skinny (or even "normal weight" whatever that is). But there's a trend for women in the group to be going on diets and otherwise trying to slim down in various ways. This is fine for each individual person, and usually quite justified for health reasons.

What disturbs me more is a further trend to comment about one's progress in one's LJ (or occasionally on a group mailing list). I don't see it happening much, yet, but occasionally the tone of these comments could be construed as critical of anyone who is not dieting/exercising. And it's only happening amongst the women, or at least the public commentary aspect is. I worry about people losing empathy over time and starting to judge others more on their body size. Heck, I worry that at some point *I* will be judged in this way, and found wanting. (I do try to be fairly careful about what I eat, but I don't exercise much... I find that I have many other things I would rather do with my time, and most forms of exercise bore me or make me twitch or sometimes both. And, I know that if I start an exercise program, it has to be a "forever commitment" because every time I do, and quit, I gain 10 pounds.)

There's a larger meta-issue here, which is exactly what does one put in one's LJ? There are things I'd love to write more about, but some of them are in the realm of gossip, and this medium seems way too permanent compared to talking gossip. Some of what I would say, if I didn't have this level of self-consciousness, would be mean, and I don't want the social repercussions. And some of it I would feel ridiculous about sharing semi-publically... it is my biggest fear to look ridiculous, and I am prone to choosing inaction over action if there's the slightest chance I'd be open to ridicule. I _do_ have an inner diva, and even an inner bitch, but both get kept under wraps most of the time